Click: Refresh

And yet one more year has passed. No big obsession this year, just… ‘here’. And of course, a whisper of gratitude. So today, I will quote one of great commercial ever made, the National Geographic Channel live curious ad. It will be superb to be more than just living.

“If you are, you breath.
If you breath, you talk.
If you talk, you ask.
If you ask, you think.
If you think, you search.
If you search, you experience.
If you experience, you learn.
If you learn, you grow.
If you grow, you wish.
If you wish, you find.
If you find, you doubt.
If you doubt, you question.
If you question, you understand.
If you understand, you know.
If you know, you want to know more…
And if you want to know more, you are alive.”

May your life filled with knowing more. Good night.

Pause

You know that sacrifices are needed to get to where you want. And so you keep your mouth shut. Because complaining about anything would not do you justice.
You think that your grand plan is the best you could expect for the moment. And so, you turn your head away from the dispersion came in your way, keeping your head in the game.
Along the way, you feel like you are lost in the middle of all objectives you have. No, you don’t want to stop running. You just want a moment of breather.

…

Even when opportunity did come, sometimes you just don’t get what you want when you need it. As long as nothing kills you, you can go on. You’re untouchable.

The End of A Chapter

It’s funny how time somehow feels running really slow and yet it feels like fast forward at the same time. Here I am, starting a completely new journey. I want to feel that I’m starting fresh; that this point, right now, is a new beginning. I’ll be soon moving out from my hiding small palace, I’ve been living for the past 6 years of my life. I’ve actually left once, but this time, it feels real. I know that it sounds kinda stupid to be sad about saying good-bye to a room. After all, it’s just a thing which can’t response to anything I feel. But, you know, it is so much more than that.

Having this place means everything that I am, I was, and I’ve ever been. It’s like I never said good-bye to whatever in my past. And I am somewhat forced to do so. So today, I’m letting this go, once and for the last time. Every nerve-wrecking event, every surprise, every loneliness and failure, every laugh of every decision, every high and cold moment, every time out, every song that ever loudly played, and each of somebody who has entered here.

I know from this point on, things would never be the same again. I would never be the same. But somehow, it feels right. Yes, it’s a lot scary. Then again, I am finally ready to move on.

Good-bye, confused little girl.

TOXIC

Here’s the thing. I am the kind of person who actually believes good things in people. No matter how bitter or sceptic I see the world, I always still have some faith toward people. Unfortunately, up until now, this thing that I thought is one of my best virtue, backfired, and hurt me instead.
You see, I believe in second chances. Sometimes, I’ve given more than I should have. And when that moment came, then it hit me. I’m suddenly this fool for having hope. Most people chose to misuse my good side.
Although I have a big heart, or so people say, I do have my limits still. And when I arrived at this line, I know exactly what I’m supposed to do. I don’t need to hate them who wronged me nor their existence in my life. It’s like you press delete in your contacts.
Maybe the idea of it is such a harsh thing to do. But, I don’t need to appreciate people who can’t do the same to me. Because respect is earned, not given.

And though it breaks my heart doing so, I love me first. That is not a compromise.

“I’m Not Alone, I’m Just On My Own”

Being alone sucks big time sometimes. I know, it was actually my choice to pull myself away from people. But, do you know why? Somehow I just never fit in. There was a moment in my life, when everyone I know seem too busy living their life. They seem to have so little time for themselves, let alone bother to spend some time with me.
I always told myself to snap out of it and quit being such a melodramatic. And so, I just stop trying. Each rejection and every ‘no, I’m sorry, I can’t', felt harder each time. Because when no one else is there or willing to be there (whichever sucks just the same), I could only rely on me and pick myself all together, on my own.
I was creating this wall, so high and so thick, so no one could hurt me. I don’t need wanting people. I made it pretty clear that I don’t want anyone to step closer. But then, I decided to change direction. That’s why, it’s now coming back to me again.
I just need a while to adjust to these changes and respond better to all the same old same old shit.

The good news is nothing lasts. This too shall pass.

Rigid

Do you know that your history is imprinted in your body? Every experience, every feeling and emotion, every thought, have their parts that made you who you are now. Whether you realized it or not, each has shaped your personality, you. I didn’t notice one or two things before, but the more I think about it, the more I know. When I analyse how did I get here, everything started to come back to me. As I grow less younger, things changed. And don’t get me wrong, I knew that. Theories have told me many and I too, have learned well. Little that I know, once you faced those changes, the hard part is to cope with everything. To be fully aware of what happened and also of what will come in your way, that is the critical phase you have to choose. Because every decision you make, it will be written and traced.

To the question how did I get here, I’d like to think of it as a choice. Whatever I’ve seen, heard, and observed, have thought me to learn being on my own. Not only that, I need to be okay with that. I successfully managed to be as that. I even have gone way beyond what I thought I could be at. I am no longer looking for accompanies, those ‘I-don’t-care-why-I-just-want-to-go-out’ moments, forgettable flings. I’m good on my own.

Just when I thought I’ve done good, a good friend of mine said something to me which again has made me wonder. After taking all to consideration, I realized that maybe it’s time to take a different approach to life. Disappointment will always happen and life keeps evolving. Pulling away and playing it too save won’t teach me much. Putting myself out there and getting hurt maybe will. I’ve decided to learn more and know even more.

That is a choice, mine.

The Bitter Truth

Everybody leaves. The harsh bit of reality that no one can avoid or deny. Sure, you could wish that something so good to last. You could even try everything at your best to keep someone to stay. But, you just will never stop that ending from happening. No matter how much attention and appreciation you try to give, at the end they will eventually.. leave. You’d better acknowledge this right from the start. Because it may be bitter, sometimes it hurts like hell, but denying this will just break you.

When this happens, sometimes you can’t help but wonder what have you done wrong. Taking flashback and rewind every single thing you can collect from the past. You might find it, maybe you won’t. It won’t matter that much anyway. It has happened. The sun has already set. But, never regret. For everything works out for the best and all you can do at this end of the road is send them on their way. Because though it’s too fucking painful to admit, you’ve had good moments together; and that.. will always stay.

Running Scared

Who’s to say all those laugh are just for you to have? How’s it possible, sometimes I wonder, you have what I thought I’m missing? I’m looking at all of those creations, staring at everything with random thoughts. I tell myself it’s not what I want. I was convinced it is not what I’m looking for anymore. Moment of weakness does come easy; this is only one of that which soon be gone. God knows I’ve tried, time and time again. I just don’t want it anymore. Or so I want to think.

Silence

Clock’s ticking and changing. I can’t seem to shut my eyes. It’s been 9 hours. I had an awesome night out with my siblings, and just one changing hour I got the phone call. I can still vividly remember the horror in my head as I heard what the person at the other end said. I beg for the worst to not happen. I secretly screamed for you to be save. I could feel myself breaking down.
Got my head together as I personally confirmed the mixed of confusing and un-sober informations. I felt myself whispering gratitude you’re both save.
I may not know love. But, I understand perfectly what my closest people mean to me. I’d jump in the count of seconds to be there for them and hold their hands when they need me, no matter what.

Get well very soon, my friends. We’re all here for you guys.

Je t’adore, Grandmother

These last couple of weeks, my only and beloved grandmother has been sending me text messages and telling me to stop smoking. She said and I quote, “Please stop once and for all. You still have a long way ahead of you”. Oh, grandma, how I want to make you happy by doing so. But, I just can’t right now. I can imagine what you would say if I said that. You will tell me that anything is possible if I really want it. And I love you for being such a great person I’m actually related to.

The thing is, and you can think of this as a lame excuse, smoking is like something that could give me a bit of comfort. Aside from severe addiction, that is. When everything feels wrong and I can’t find anything to get me excited about the world, smoking is the easiest escape. Yes, I know, it’s not even close to a solution. But, it is something; and something is better than nothing.

I adore you, grandma. I cherish your positive perspective about this thing called life. You’ve been living for 84 years. God only knows what you’ve been going through, and yet, you seem to be able to smile to everything. Here I am, more than one-third of your age, asking what’s more in life? I remember when you said you want me to stop smoking so I can have a long healthy life and I responded, “But, what if I don’t want a long life?”. Then you said, “That’s okay too, as long as you don’t make people suffer because of you”.

I’ll remember that, my sweet grandma. Every time I want to give up on the world, I will think of you and your amazing heart I wish I have.