Capital N, Capital O.
I do know my self. But, there’s of course a but, the knowledge is hidden so far under. One reason of why that happens is society. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming society just now. See, I think the thing about living among society is we are thought by certain standards and implicit expectations of others. Being a part of it, it’s in our nature to be someone according to all of those.
Maybe we want to be accepted. We want others to fancy us. Or in other words, we might be just too afraid of being lonely.
As far as I remember, I was not a generous person. I was also not a young person who would say: yes, it’s okay if I didn’t get what I want. I was a bitch as a child. In fact, I still am. But, either because of the need to help or please people (I’m not sure which), I developed a habit to say yes even when I don’t want to. I do good things for people when sometimes they cost me disadvantages. Call it sad or pathetic. That’s the truth.
That habit then led me to be a passive aggressive person (my brother told me I am one). For some times, I didn’t understand why. Now I get it. I’m too afraid of this and that, I can no more distinguish which is that I really want. I became an angry person left with hatred of unspoken disagreement. Do I want to be that kind of person? Seriously NO.
I know many many good theories, I just never know how to implement them. Well, this would be a good start then. Start being honest. At least I owe it to my self. I have it in me, I need to use them properly from now on. The power and the guts to say: No, I can’t do that.
This might eliminate those who like me because of their thought of me which I’ve given in. But, the true ones will love me just the same, maybe more.
“Thus From My Lips, By Thine My Sin is Purged”
It’s almost the end of the year. Not up until now I really understand what they meant when they said: life towards 25 runs too fast. I feel like I’m missing a lot. I know I’m not. For one, I added few people and experiences in my random-things-I-do-in-life list.
Lately, things felt less and less meaningful. For example, let’s start with a simple one: A kiss. What I mean is a real kiss, the kiss you wanted to have when you were young. It’s supposed to be special or nice. It is something you want to remember. After all, it was something sacred for some people. Now, it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Yea, I kissed a guy. What’s new?
Is it sad? Or is it just supposed to be that way? The more you do it casually, there’s no more to it. Or is there? Is there really a kiss when you first have it, you know that it’s right? Question, question, question. I might have watched too much of drama romantic movies when I was young. The idea of having that “perfect kiss”, the moment you have it and the feeling of a drop of bliss while you’re having it, it got stuck in my head. I don’t really remember whether I have had that kind of piece or not.
Maybe, at the end of the road, there will I find the perfect guy who’d give me that. Or so I hope. But for now, I’m enjoying whatever I can have. Although, a lot of things must be change, since many things didn’t work out as I wanted them to. It is HARD. Oooo, it is damn hard.
Well, this is life as we know it. It’s supposed to be hard. The least thing you can do is try. When it fails, as people say, try harder.
Rewriting History
From Louis Armstrong to Lorraine Ellison, from la vie en rose to stay with me. Tragic. It’s the only word I can think of at the moment. It’s not 5 years, nor 6 months. It is in fact, happening just yesterday. What’s with me and these people? I can’t point out a single thing to explain. Questions repeated them self. What went wrong? When exactly did it start to? Also, the big question which always wins among all: Why?
The worst part of this is I’m now starting to get used to this kind of thing. The oh-okay-this-is-over-good-bye-now kind of thing. I’d be lying if I say it’s not going to hurt. Because it will. The difference though will fall to the length of time it needed to end. Damn it. I want to keep you here for long. But then it would be selfish, wouldn’t it?
Never I imagined that you’d be the one who is going to tell me that this is only a dream. I hope I won’t be singing this song soon. Although, if I will, please do it as fast as you can. Yes, it would be my last wish for you.
“Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon”
Tell Me This is Not Just a Dream
“Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose
When you kiss me heaven sighs
And though I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose”
If only the beautiful words came into life. I can’t remember really when was the last time I felt that way, until you showed up and gave me a glance. Your nonchalant attitude, your sense of diverse music, your way loving lots and lots of things, your extraordinary determination of your work, and oh your cute dimples I wish I had. Yes, sir. You’ve caught me well. It has been so long I haven’t had the 8 hours of phonecalls or spent 3 whole days just be with someone.
I like you. I do.
Bandung, I Heart You
Yesterday was the first day of one week Idul Fitri’s holiday I’m having. We have planned to go to Bandung for this holiday. But, shit does happen. Because one thing and another, we ended up staying at Jakarta. I was upset.
I don’t know what’s with me and that city. I love the weather, I like how it makes me feel. Does it even make sense? Whatever. I won’t think twice to go there whenever I have the chance to do so. Even when I don’t have any place to go or stay. Shit, I wish I was there right now.
It’s actually kinda stupid for some people, the way it ruined my mood for the whole day just because me not going there. I never live there, I don’t have that many recollection of memories with that city, and I don’t really have a certain group of people I want to meet. Yeah, maybe I did live there for 3 weeks, when I thought I was going to study at Unpar. But, that’s it.
Since I don’t know when, I am always psyched to go to that cold city. Doing nothing, going to any places, wondering around the city. Damn. Damn. Damn.
I don’t know what I’m looking for, I just want to be there.
Evening Dreams
Here’s the truth.
I want someone who adores me; someone who’s able to listen to my random thoughts and dreams, the one who’s that smart and willing to debate my wishes but doesn’t try to change them; one who loves to hug and kiss me; somebody who can share my happiness; someone who needs me; the person who tries his hard to understand my absurdity; someone who can make me smile in my sucky moments; one soul that can make me want to go anywhere in the world with; someone who wakes up and enjoys conversation about whatever when I can’t manage to sleep; somebody who tells me the real truth and makes it come true; someone who worships me even when I don’t always look good; a certain someone who can make me stop being confused and make me blushed as red as roses; the one who manages to treat time as roller coaster in an exciting and fun way; a person who proves me that love isn’t just an illusion; someone who has his own life and let me have my own but still missing each other; somebody who’s that cute and make me worth living.
I want someone who dares to love me.
When insomnia strikes
What do you do when you can’t sleep? You’ve already tried everything, but clearly nothing worked out. You turn the TV on, go online, try to read a book, call someone if you’re that popular, or simply do nothing and hope you will fall asleep in a few minutes. As for me, the harder it gets to fall asleep, the louder I hear voices in my head. It’s fun for a while, until it can’t be stopped;then I’ll get a lil’ bit frustated.
Tonight, my mind goes here and there about happiness and how it seems to always be related to the presence of someone in my life. There’s a cycle which I think is only human nature. It goes like this: When we are lonely, we want someone to hug. When we have someone to hug, we want to get intimate and all. When we get there already, we hope for love. Then when we have it, we just want to be alone.
Yesh, we go back to where we started.
I always think that no matter how lonely it may sound, it is in fact, true. We always want something else, we always crave for something new, we aim different. But, I feel I need to state that it isn’t always like that. Some people do successfully break their nature.
When we do act following our nature, the question is will there be an end to it or we just have to do it over and over again and easily take it as a part of our nature?
Nothing lasts
Just 2 days ago, one of my relative passed away. I wasn’t really keen on him, but what happened then made me think:
Forever is over rated.
Here’s why. When you’re having fun with people you love; you’re living life with all the joy you can steal; somehow you get to this point where you convince your self that those happiness would stay for long (or forever sometimes). When they’re around, you say bad words; think awful thoughts; fight for small things; care for them; love them. Then that day comes. The day when you’ll ask God: why, God? Why me? Why now? and all.
It’ll happen when you least expect it to come. Life is full of surprises, right. Then the joy and laughs fade away just like that.
That’s why now I never fall for the word forever; like when someone tells you: Don’t worry, you are gonna be fine, because I’m here, I’ll always be here-by your side forever.
F*#k that. All that crap promising impossible things. Nothing lasts, damn it. So stop saying forever.
I don’t know. Is it hope that makes people say word like forever? But hope is supposed to make you stronger; believing on something nice, although you don’t know if it’s real. How come that one thing makes you survive could break you into pieces. It’s ironic. What comes next then?
err, maybe then you change your hope. Hope better, no scrath it, hope different. Yes, maybe that’s the most suited answer on this.
Anyway, I didn’t come to my 8 am class this morning, I over slept at 5 am. Darn it. I’ll come to the 8 am class tomorrow. I will. Because there are still 274 days I’ll be there. Yesh, I’ve counted. 274 days to finish what I’m supposed to finish. I’ve done my mid-term exams, now I’ll just enjoy the rest of the semester.
Well, whatever begins will end sometime. Just live as if you will die tomorrow.
Another day another story
Life is full of surprises indeed. I went out yesterday with some people without guessing what would happen in the morning after. I have to admit, I had hell of crazy memorable moments that day. Gosh, it’s been a while since someone walked in here; and yes, that felt okay for some reasons. I didn’t fell for it. The fact that he’s somebody’s better half keeps bothering my mind. Oh no, I won’t make the same mistake again. Not after the damn feelings I had a year ago.
The candy that we took, the ambiance of the room and the loud music. I remember correctly. This will fade away I’m sure. Even right now, it just stays as something in my box of memories. It’s like you had a long dream, then it will puff go away. Nothing would happen, I convince my self.
The thing is, I am more and more losing the point of having someone in my life. The worries, the lies, the hidden agendas, also the fights. Not saying those are just all of it. But again, it’s not worth the pain and bruises. I am indeed an angry girl.
I’m sorry, ma’am.
It won’t happen again in the future time.
After all, this is just one of many experiences. Today will write its own story.
New Good Chapter
This ended too many times, in fact.
I’d be lying if I say that it’s not killing me to see you with that bit*#h, sorry. What we had, all of them are too much to bear sometimes. The very stupid lil’ part of me still believe we would be something again. What a fool, aren’t I? Yeah, I told the world I hate you, I should hate you for the bruises you’ve given me really.
But, the thing is you’re the only person I’ve fallen into. Oh, I remember how I cared for you for so long. How I worried sick every time some awful things happened to you; and as much as I hate to admit this: I still can’t get you out of my head. The picture of you together-so damn happy- is killing me. Gosh, you’re not even a happy guy for pete’s sake!
Yes, this time I’m saying good-bye to you, my love. I’m so fu**ing tired being fucked up because of you. I’m tired of prioritizing you over my self for almost 7 years of my life. Bad habits die hard indeed.
You’re someone else’s problem now and don’t seek me to steal you some happy moments again. I’m ending us because I know I worth too much for you.
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you.
