Okay. So, if my life can be divided into parts, I would say that the first 20 years of my life is a two-part novel, which can be distinguished evenly. And then my life in my twenties is a group of short-stories. No cerbung or anything. It is simply a group of a-thrilling-beginning-a-bit-of-climax-and-here-comes-the-sappy-end story telling. Well, it’s not always sad ending. It sounds dramatic like that though, no? After all, who doesn’t fall for a heart-breaking ending, when the main character learns about the important stuff in life?
Anyway, not that my life in the mighty twenties is over yet or come to its end soon, but I have to admit, I hate it when people are right. You know, you’ve heard “people” say that after 20, especially after 25, your life would feel like a bad fast-forward kind of thing. You just wake up one day and realized that you’re 29 or something. When you haven’t got into it, you must be thinking how much bulshit that is. Simply because you don’t get it. Yet. But apparently, it is sadly true.
For me, personally, I keep picturing my life in different kind of scenarios which theme would be, well.. “Not This”. And again, have you heard the same “people” talking about how we as human beings do that? We seem to want other life than ours, just because it’s different. And we sometimes, mistakenly think that different is always better.
This is my silver lining of the story. I don’t mind having a bunch of short-stories in my time-line. Sometimes it feels like it must be better to have something that last longer to get a right picture to keep. But, then again, I got the suited picture alright. I learned many kinds of crimes, bulshits, let-downs, assholes and jerks in short period(s). In other words, I am indeed a fast learner after all. I will save my lasting time to those who deserve it. That way, I could probably delete the “not” in my life theme afterwards. [Insert the end (for now) title right about here]
And yet one more year has passed. No big obsession this year, just… ‘here’. And of course, a whisper of gratitude. So today, I will quote one of great commercial ever made, the National Geographic Channel live curious ad. It will be superb to be more than just living.
“If you are, you breath.
If you breath, you talk.
If you talk, you ask.
If you ask, you think.
If you think, you search.
If you search, you experience.
If you experience, you learn.
If you learn, you grow.
If you grow, you wish.
If you wish, you find.
If you find, you doubt.
If you doubt, you question.
If you question, you understand.
If you understand, you know.
If you know, you want to know more…
And if you want to know more, you are alive.”
May your life filled with knowing more. Good night.
You know that sacrifices are needed to get to where you want. And so you keep your mouth shut. Because complaining about anything would not do you justice.
You think that your grand plan is the best you could expect for the moment. And so, you turn your head away from the dispersion came in your way, keeping your head in the game.
Along the way, you feel like you are lost in the middle of all objectives you have. No, you don’t want to stop running. You just want a moment of breather.
Even when opportunity did come, sometimes you just don’t get what you want when you need it. As long as nothing kills you, you can go on. You’re untouchable.
It’s funny how time somehow feels running really slow and yet it feels like fast forward at the same time. Here I am, starting a completely new journey. I want to feel that I’m starting fresh; that this point, right now, is a new beginning. I’ll be soon moving out from my hiding small palace, I’ve been living for the past 6 years of my life. I’ve actually left once, but this time, it feels real. I know that it sounds kinda stupid to be sad about saying good-bye to a room. After all, it’s just a thing which can’t response to anything I feel. But, you know, it is so much more than that.
Having this place means everything that I am, I was, and I’ve ever been. It’s like I never said good-bye to whatever in my past. And I am somewhat forced to do so. So today, I’m letting this go, once and for the last time. Every nerve-wrecking event, every surprise, every loneliness and failure, every laugh of every decision, every high and cold moment, every time out, every song that ever loudly played, and each of somebody who has entered here.
I know from this point on, things would never be the same again. I would never be the same. But somehow, it feels right. Yes, it’s a lot scary. Then again, I am finally ready to move on.
Good-bye, confused little girl.
Here’s the thing. I am the kind of person who actually believes good things in people. No matter how bitter or sceptic I see the world, I always still have some faith toward people. Unfortunately, up until now, this thing that I thought is one of my best virtue, backfired, and hurt me instead.
You see, I believe in second chances. Sometimes, I’ve given more than I should have. And when that moment came, then it hit me. I’m suddenly this fool for having hope. Most people chose to misuse my good side.
Although I have a big heart, or so people say, I do have my limits still. And when I arrived at this line, I know exactly what I’m supposed to do. I don’t need to hate them who wronged me nor their existence in my life. It’s like you press delete in your contacts.
Maybe the idea of it is such a harsh thing to do. But, I don’t need to appreciate people who can’t do the same to me. Because respect is earned, not given.
And though it breaks my heart doing so, I love me first. That is not a compromise.
Being alone sucks big time sometimes. I know, it was actually my choice to pull myself away from people. But, do you know why? Somehow I just never fit in. There was a moment in my life, when everyone I know seem too busy living their life. They seem to have so little time for themselves, let alone bother to spend some time with me.
I always told myself to snap out of it and quit being such a melodramatic. And so, I just stop trying. Each rejection and every ‘no, I’m sorry, I can’t’, felt harder each time. Because when no one else is there or willing to be there (whichever sucks just the same), I could only rely on me and pick myself all together, on my own.
I was creating this wall, so high and so thick, so no one could hurt me. I don’t need wanting people. I made it pretty clear that I don’t want anyone to step closer. But then, I decided to change direction. That’s why, it’s now coming back to me again.
I just need a while to adjust to these changes and respond better to all the same old same old shit.
The good news is nothing lasts. This too shall pass.
Do you know that your history is imprinted in your body? Every experience, every feeling and emotion, every thought, have their parts that made you who you are now. Whether you realized it or not, each has shaped your personality, you. I didn’t notice one or two things before, but the more I think about it, the more I know. When I analyse how did I get here, everything started to come back to me. As I grow less younger, things changed. And don’t get me wrong, I knew that. Theories have told me many and I too, have learned well. Little that I know, once you faced those changes, the hard part is to cope with everything. To be fully aware of what happened and also of what will come in your way, that is the critical phase you have to choose. Because every decision you make, it will be written and traced.
To the question how did I get here, I’d like to think of it as a choice. Whatever I’ve seen, heard, and observed, have thought me to learn being on my own. Not only that, I need to be okay with that. I successfully managed to be as that. I even have gone way beyond what I thought I could be at. I am no longer looking for accompanies, those ‘I-don’t-care-why-I-just-want-to-go-out’ moments, forgettable flings. I’m good on my own.
Just when I thought I’ve done good, a good friend of mine said something to me which again has made me wonder. After taking all to consideration, I realized that maybe it’s time to take a different approach to life. Disappointment will always happen and life keeps evolving. Pulling away and playing it too save won’t teach me much. Putting myself out there and getting hurt maybe will. I’ve decided to learn more and know even more.
That is a choice, mine.